Depression really did once define me. I was so lost in that fog that life was just something I had to fake; although some days I couldn’t even do that. I know there are many of you out there who walk through this fog today like I did for most of my life. It is a lonely, empty place. My song Insanity only touches on a small amount of emotions, feeling and thoughts I went through during those years. Nothing could snap me out of it, didn’t matter if the happiest things were going on around me, I was so stuck.
When God told me to share my story I thought okay I will leave out the real stuff as to not have to reveal too much of me. Yeah….that was not going to work. He called me to be transparent. To be real in a world that seems to want fake. Fake is no longer something I can even attempt. I got tired of faking life. Life is too short to only touch on the easy subjects and pretend that everything is peachy. Life is hard! It is short! And it is real!
When He healed my depression I knew I could not stay quiet about it. I was hopeless, He took that away! I will not be quiet about that! So my music is real. It is raw and it is me! I don’t claim to be the best all I claim is that Jesus is my everything and I sing and write for Him.
Continuing with my story, my song Insanity stems from years of depression. From the time I was five I would ask God to take my life so I could be with Him instead of here on earth. So young and hurt so bad I wanted to die. These feelings and thoughts continued for 25 years off and on I struggled with severe depression. The first verse in Insanity touches on this struggle beginning at such a young age.
The choruses in this song stem from my ongoing prayer to Him and it is also taken from the Psalms. So many times I felt like I was going insane. I couldn’t control my thought process or find joy in life when I should have had so much. All I wanted to be was sane, thus “make me sound”.
I got to a place where I just lived life and hid my depression very well. Which I discuss in my second verse I was able to get through the days with a fake facade, but inside I was screaming for Him to save me. Thus the bridge. I knew that God had the power to heal me…I just kept screaming for Him to take it.
The third verse touches on all the worldly helps I tried through the years to snap me out of the depression. There are so many things out there that claim to cure depression but nothing worked I was still so lost. My mind continued to betray what I wanted…sanity.
The outro of Insanity touches on His healing. At thirty-one after over 25 years of severe depression I was walking outside in New Mexico and realized I had a zeal for life. He took it away!! I am in awe when I think about that moment I realized I was no longer under that cloud. He healed me, He is the one true healer. Now His glory will always shine through my story.
The chorus in this song comes from Romans 11:7 not only does this reference our adoption into God’s family but also adoption in general. There is a breaking of the norm until one is picked up and grafted into a new family. Then it is like being reborn. Romans 11:7 gives us such an amazing picture of this process; “But if some of the branches were broken off, and you, although a wild olive shoot, were grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing root of the olive tree (Romans 11:7)”.
The second verse touches on the first meeting we had with Haddie. She came out to us with hands clenched and pure fear. Seven years old being told here are you mom and dad and now go home with them. I can’t imagine! She is so brave. Set in her ways our transition had so many ups and downs and all arounds. Her bonding took a lot of time and will continue through the years. Just figuring out what Love is has been a struggle.
In the bridge I talk about “My only hope, my only prayer is that you don’t remain unaware. Of the beauty, love and goodness out there”. All that Haddie saw in her life before that day was darkness, no light. Which is her story to tell, but my hope is that she continues to see Love throughout the rest of her life.
When we envisioned the adoption we envisioned beautiful stuff. But the struggles we encountered through the first few months left us feeling overwhelmed. We sought perfection but were met with the unknown. God knew this is what we needed. Haddie has shown me more then I will ever be able to show her. And that is where the third verse is coming from. She has shown me how insanely, amazing God’s love is for us. We fight so hard against Him all the time and still He loves us. Never before could I have understood that until this experience. We have all been born again.
“Through all the struggles and growing pains, you have shown me how His love is so insane” -Grafted In.
Ps. Haddie asks to listen to her song everyday when I pick her up from school 😍
Thank you for taking the time to stop by my website and share your time with me. I am Rachel. You can read about me in the about page….but I wanted to add a bit more. I tend to write how I talk so forgive my mistakes :). As you may have read in my about page I am a wife of Andrew Moore (whom is also my partner in making all of our music), a mom of 5, a woman of God, and a songwriter and singer.
That wasn’t always who I was. I have a long sad, scary, joyful, exciting and crazy story and that is really where my music comes from. My songs are my life songs. I actually wrote a book before I started writing my music, but I reread the thing and thought “there is no way I will let my kids read this”. So with His call to write my story we compromised. My music is real, raw and unique. My story, with all His glory is now being told through our music and ministry.
Here is my prayer for those who hear our music; “Lord take this music. Open the hearts of those who listen. May they hear You through each note and lyric. All Glory and honor to you”. I am a child of God once broken I am now made whole. I am humbled by the fact that He has called me to tell my story and through such a unique way.
I am so blessed to have you stop to read this and hope you join us on this adventure to bring wholeness to the world, all the world!
So much more to come……