The process of grieving

I have dealt with a lot of grief in my life…. At the age of 16 I found out my best friends from third grade has passed away after an accident. Over my life I can think of 10 friends or family whom I have lost already. Just recently I lost my father in law. He was quite the man! He was a Godly, patient, loving man. His impact on my life was great. We shared our love for music and our love for bluegrass music in particular. Most importantly we shared our love for the Lord. He produced such an amazing man who I have the honor of calling my husband.

The last three weeks have been difficult and I tend to cope by writing music and singing. So along with my brother in law Nathan Moore and my husband Andrew Moore we wrote a song for their dad. I hope you enjoy this and I hope you hug your loved ones a little tighter. Those you love are not here by accident God ordained them to be in your life. Enjoy that.

His legacy lives on through our families…

Bill’s Legacy

Gone away, wish you could have stayed
Any other way…..just for a day

Life’s so fleeting, and I find myself pleading
don’€™t go….don’€™t go, there’™s so much I need to know

But your legacy, can you see, your legacy lives on
Lives on

A time to laugh, and a time to cry
And for you, your time to fly
From loves first kiss, to eternal blissThe strength you showed, the strength you showed
I now knowThat your legacy, can you see, your legacy lives on
Lives onYour humility has pointed me to the One
Who’s loves extraordinary….never ordinaryLike your love…like your love….like your love 
my daddyFrom those you leave behind 
Your legacy lives on(One of these days we are going to record this with all the little voices that his legacy lives on in; until then enjoy).

https://youtu.be/p6ALJ6ROnbw

Loosing direction……singing my way back

There is this incredible song sung by the amazing Steffany Gretzinger, Sing My Way Back. If you haven’t heard it you should seriously check it out. This song has been my obsession lately because I have found myself in a slump or loss of direction. Being a human is hard sometimes….especially when you feel so much. Disappointment, rejection, and waiting tends to take me out at the knees.

When I started singing again I never thought I would adore something so much. Seriously to be able to get in tune with God through music is one of His greatest gifts. Worries, cares, and problems seem to melt away when you are worshipping the Lord through music. So not being able to completely give my all to my music (because of my struggles with a Mast Cell and Autonomic nervous system disease) really causes me to want to just pack it in. Thus causing me to loose my direction with a little flare of my annoying body :).

But the songs keep coming….the melodies keep crying to be sung.

So I keep writing and just recently found an amazing producer to help me bring it to life…all for HIM. I may not be able to stand up and sing with all that is in me or belt it out on a stage of thousands but these songs will be sung. That being said we are working away at this next album. I am even toying with the idea of getting together some amazing players so we can get this show on the road…..Let’s see where He has this going.

He provides, He supplies, He revives

New Year, New Day, New Way

With a new year comes restoration.  This is what God is showing me this early into the new year.  When we started writing songs and singing again a little over two years ago I never thought I would have completed my story in song.  Never!  But its here and all glory to God.  My story was dark….this year I want to share the light.  But my honey and I have decided to go a different route.  We are going to do our music, our way…..yes it may never reach radio status, or go viral but He put a song in me and I am going to sing them our way.

With that statement comes a lot of fear…..but stop that!  Fear is not how I choose to live.  Music is meant to be heard….sure I can spend thousands of dollars and get it produced by the most amazing producers (which I love) but when it stops being what I heard it to be in the beginning…is it still mine?  So hold on to your hats this year is bringing new music, a new way!!!!

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Also wanted to share some of my recent thoughts, not exactly lyrics or a poem but my heart never the less:

The world is out to get the strong and the weak, Seems like the world strives to defeat

Not today! to the one I distain, not today!

This battle isn’t against flesh but against those that fight against the One who truly Reigns

He is my redeemer, my strength when I’m weak (or strong), He is my all and all, the One who will defeat the ones who build the wall.

No longer this hold you have on me, no longer will I let you have say on who I should be.

My truth is His truth so step away I am about to start a new day.

to the world from RM

Behind the song Tip Toe….homies!

“Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do” (James 1:8).

There once was a girl named Anna, meaning merciful, she grew up very similar to me. She lived on a farm and was raised in the church and had two brothers. Her parents were also divorced. From a young age she believed and worshipped Jesus like a true child of God. That was actually her hobby. She loved to act out bible stories with her stuffed animals and talk about Jesus to her friends. At a young age she started singing in front of church and even had a lead in the school school Christmas musical. Anna accepted Christ at a young age and made it her goal to spread His Word. Her mom would do daily devotions with her and her brothers before school and on most weekends.

When Anna was twelve she got to join her church teen singing group run by her uncle. She had quite the passion for singing. Singing made her feel important and free. This was such an exciting time in her life. Her mom had just gotten a divorce from a not so nice stepdad and she was now going to get to use her gift of singing in a grand display. She was so excited to be part of a group that would share the word of God through song. One of the first weekends she was gone with the group, she met other kids her age who also loved the Lord and wanted to share it through their gifts. As a boy crazy girl Anna fell for one much older boy in the group. He was a strong boy of God and was so kind and innocent to her. Through being a member of this singing group Anna surrounded herself with other Godly girls and boys. They got to experience what it meant to service Christ. They traveled around to different states like California, Colorado, Nevada, Texas and Arizona.

One of the first mission trips they did in the summer was in Juarez, Mexico. Being on the border of Texas, Juarez is one of them most dangerous border towns in Mexico. Anna and the group spent one week in Juarez. They slept in a local church on the floor or the pews. It was a run down rickety church with a hose for a shower. During the night you could hear screams coming from the teens who had roaches crawling on their faces as they slept. Anna soaked up the experience, didn’t matter how many roaches roamed on her while sleeping. The team spend their days building a local church in the poorest parts of Mexico. This wasn’t work for wimps it involved a lot of lifting, mixing concrete and getting dirty. At night the church would feed them and they would end the night singing praises to God and worshiping with local families and parishioners.

As a reward Anna’s uncle always prepared a down time before headed back to our homes after these mission trips. The most memorable times for Anna was walking along the beach of Mexico with her friends and flirting with the boys she had befriended in the group. Anna got to experience a whole other side to life when she went on these trips. She saw the poverty of the children she would work with in the vacation bible schools they would hold. She got to visit with families who had nothing only a little shack for a home and dirty clothes to wear. But they always had a smile on their faces. They would take what they had in their house to eat and cook something up to share with us every time the group would be in their homes.

This taught Anna humility and the beauty of God in the midst of extreme poverty and hardship. As Anna grew and continued to take these mission trips she got to experience God’s grace through the people she would stay with through different churches from different states. She also got to experience life from a whole different perspective, one that most teenagers do not get to see. This helped her to take what she was learning and bring it out in her everyday life. She was known in high school for her faith. People would always comment about how she was a good church girl. Anna took pride in this and was proud that others saw her as a Godly girl.

This girl Anna was actually me. Her life is my parallel life. From before I can remember I lived two lives; one went on mission trips and worshipped God and the other smoked pot and got attention any way she could. It was almost like there was a demon on one side of my shoulder and an angel on the other side. I was a wonderful hypocrite. I knew how to juggle a life of sin and a life of sacrifice. I knew all the right words and at the same time all the manipulation tricks to get what I wanted or needed. My relationship with God was one of trueness but at the same time complete hypocrisy. Looking back I cringe to see how I lived a double life. It was almost as if I was split and couldn’t decide how to be just one person.

The song Tip Toe is one dear to my heart. It reminds me to keep walking toward Him, no more tip toeing between lives. Here is a secret….I wrote this song as a rap! My other side loved rap growing up, actually I still do but now I listen to people like NF and Trip Lee who speak truth in their music. I wised up though and turned it into a song instead….a rap career is not something I think I should pursue. This song also really portraying my humor, who else would add the word Homies! I have to say that was challenge….thank you hhoa!

Lyrics to Tip Toe

Verse

Looking back all I can see

Was me walking contrary

Living life on a whim

Each mistake made me numb to Him

Chilling with my homies

Unable to see my hypocrisy

I walked through life

Free as free can be

Chorus

Until that day it finally dawned on me

That Jesus meant for me to be free

So Goodbye old, and Hello new

Never again will I run from You

Verse

Walking parallel you could find me

Giving praise seeming wholeheartedly

Hanging with the Jesus people

Pretending while under the steeple

I knew truth, life, conformity

I knew faith, darkness, and the enemy

You watched me walk back and forth

And still you called me north

Chorus

Until that day it finally dawned on me

That Jesus meant for me to be free

So Goodbye old, and Hello new

Never again will I run from You

Bridge:

Tip toeing through life, from one side to another x2

Verse

Yes my yes was never really yes

And yes my no was never really no

Found myself following to and fro

Always preforming a show

Really, really, really never again

I would say only to do it another day

I was caught up and sought all the wrong things

in spite of Your light shining on me

Chorus

Until that day it finally dawned on me

That Jesus meant for me to be free

So Goodbye old, and Hello new

Never again will I run from You

Outro

So goodbye old, and hello new

Never again will I run from you

Copyright © 2016, Rachel Moore | Andrew Moore

You Matter…..Here is why

You Matter is the one song in my album that is straight from the perspective of God. For so many years after the abuse I wanted to die. I would imagine it all the time….just not waking up, stopping my breath with a pillow, choking myself and so on. I hated me. I hated my thoughts, feelings, the way I looked, the way my life was….I hated everything about me.

You Matter is a song from God to me and now to you. His love for us is unending….never did I truly understand this until the moment after I tried to commit suicide. I picked myself up off the floor, and went into my bedroom only to have a little tiny life crawl on my lap. My son, who I was just horribly mean to, crawled on my lap and hugged me. His unconditional show of love helped me finally see God’s unconditional love. Never before that moment did I understand it.

So many times we walk through life feeling alone, invisible and lost. God promises He is always here with us, so we should not be afraid. This is a reminder that we all need to hang on to. Even when we can’t hear or feel Him He is with us. His desire for us, and I mean each one of us is for beauty, happiness and wholeness. Wholeness in Him! Each one of the lives on earth matter. Not just one or the other, each life. That is why we are all still here; His desire is for all people to come to Him. “That’s how it is with your Father in heaven. He doesn’t want any of these little ones to be lost” (Matthew 18:14).

There are so many voices out there yelling you do not matter, but He is adamant that YOU do matter! The little things you may not see around you are proof. Think about it…..the moments when you feel so lost and alone and then there is a knock on your door. Or the time you just need a sign and a little hummingbird fly’s right up to your face and just sits there…..ok I know this doesn’t happen all the time but God has shown His love like this to me more then once. Sunsets, a cloud filled glorious sky, the kindness of others at the most difficult moments, the love of an animal when people seem to fail you, the peace you feel when walking through the woods; there are so many ways that God shows His love for us. His creation is only the start of how He shows us.

Start looking around to see His goodness. Start seeing yourself through God’s eyes. He sees the hurt, pain, loss, confusion, and shame. He sees how it got there. He understands. He understood the sin put upon me. He understood my shame and why I felt compelled to end it. He knows my pain. He knows your pain. He is the only therapy, help and answer for healing this pain. Jesus is the greatest physician!

Don’t you end what He began, because what He makes is beautiful!!!! What sin destroys is only temporary. Jesus can make you whole! Suicide is not the answer. Suicide allows the hurt or the person who hurt you to win. Don’t allow this! You matter! You matter to Him and you matter to me. You matter to your family, friends, and even your future family and friends.

Verse

Come little one,

with broken dreams

Come little one,

Who feels they are not seen

Chorus

You my child, my child.

not fear for I am here

Reach, Reach out your hand.

I will hold you near

Verse

You see your brokenness.

I see your beauty

You see your chains

I see you being free

Chorus

You my child, my child.

Do not fear for I am here

Reach, Reach out your hand

I will hold you near

Bridge

Don’t you end what I began in you.

love for you will never end

Verse

There is so much more.

To life then you may see

Don’t let your pain win

Take what I am offering

Verse

Cast, cast all your cares…

On me I will set you free

For, for your life matters…

your life matters to me

Chorus

You my child, my child

Do not fear for I am here

Reach, Reach out your hand

I will hold you near

Behind the song Life Goes On

For some reason life did not stop the day I gained a big gray cloud of depression and loss of myself. It just kept going. We ended up moving to Arizona not long after and soon after that my parents divorced. By this time I had learned how to just keep swimming through life. Life Goes On is song about how life keeps moving forward even when you are not ready for it.

Life Goes On

Verse

Life at thirteen had me questioning everything

Even the faith like a child that once made me sing

Questions like Who am I, why am I, what am I

So many wonderings and no one answering

By the time I hit the ripe old age of 13 I questioned so much of what I thought I knew. My mind was so distorted. I started drinking and experimenting with drugs by this time to numb the pain I had inside. The questions I had of who was I, why would God put me on this earth and what was I…..was I even alive. I had so much confusion and was to afraid to ask for help, honestly I didn’t even understand that that would have been an option.

Chorus

Still Life goes on and on and on

Even when we can’t go beyond Life goes on

It goes on and on and on and on….Life goes on

Life kept going on though even when I wanted to jump off the roof of a house where I found myself stumbling on top of….life kept going on. How could it not stop with me? Why couldn’t people see I was hurting.

Verse

Disappointments, unbelief, and insecurities

Seemed to follow me

All that energy used so carelessly

Creates a life of monotony

As a teen I thought I was indestructible, I think most of them do. I took chances then I would never take now…well I think I would end up breaking something if I tried the things I did back then thanks to time. Along with the risks came the same bad choices a confused, lost girl would make. Life was not stopping for me so I just went with it, wasting time. Making choices that got me into so much trouble and only increased the pain I had.

Chorus

Still Life goes on and on and on

Even when we can’t go beyond Life goes on

It goes on and on and on and on..Life goes on

Verse

I searched, I found, and still strived to find my ground

Time and time He showed me grace….

But you could not see it in my faith

Until that day I laid me down was I found

Don’t get me wrong I knew truth from the time I was 3 years old. I grew up in the church actually I come from 4 generations of Nazarene’s. I tended to ignore truth and keep walking over the edge of reason because I was determined to live a double life….which I get more into in my song Tip Toe.

Looking back I can now see how as a teen I was so self adsorbed not in the sense of look at me, look at me; but don’t look at me because you will see hypocrisy, ugliness and girl who wanted to just be gone. Both are pride….this took me years of working through things to figure out. Once I laid myself down and saw myself through the eyes of Jesus things became much more clear.

Outro

Life went on and on and on

Even when I could not go beyond life went on

It went on and on and on and on…life goes on

I grew, I walked, I fell down

But you were there reminding me it is we…ll

it is well…. with me.

All the ugliness that I saw, all the pain I went through, all the choices I made throughout my younger years were the result of the pain put on me and sin itself. Jesus saw this! He saw what I was doing to myself, He understood why. He has made so much beauty come from all the mess of pain! I now see myself through His eyes not my own. So it is well with me.

Behind my most difficult song to write…Little Light

The song Little Light is a hard one for me…..so I will take a different approach to tell you where this song came from. I will list the lyrics and give you a little behind the scenes as to where this stemmed from. I would like to let you know this may trigger you (as a counselor I need to add this). I know there are so many of us out there who have walked this path so please take care when reading this.

My light shined bright until that day

The day when my little light was taken away

My world fell apart, my life got rough

All I could do was try to stay tough”

The above verse is explained like this…… The little light that once existed was snuffed out the day I was sexually abused by someone I trusted at 5 years old. That day I felt the light I used to have die out. From that point on I became depressed, confused and well life was tough and I tried my hardest to try for normal.

Chorus

“Little light come back and rescue me

Undo the hurt put upon me

Show your light so I can see

The one who came to save me…..”

The chorus describes my search and longing for the light to come back. I spent so many years waiting to be saved from the anger, confusion, well for the sin to be taken away. Not my sin but the sin put upon me by the one who abused me.

“I felt so alone, dark and unfree

Unable to see what it meant to be me

My world got old, My thoughts were sold

All I could do was cry out for you…

Cry out for you………”

Something happened that day sexual sin was introduced into my life. I felt alone, all I wanted to do was die. I would lay in bed asking Jesus to take me to him to live. I didn’t understand how to be a free, carefree girl anymore. My thoughts were sold to the thoughts of sexually explicit things as a 1st grader! No one should have to experience that or even understand the things I understood at that age.

From that point on I was changed

Life was now always strange

I saw myself as nobody

Not even worthy of being me”

Unable to have the innocence a child should have at a young age my personality and freeness changed. Life seemed always strange, like I was on the outside looking in. I hated myself and felt unworthy of happiness and goodness. The guilt I felt was so heavy for me to bear, totally understandable of course when I look back. But I did not want my family to know and just kept all the craziness inside.

Why is it that people can not see

How they can destroy the me that was me”

Throughout the years God has done so much in me and the healing He has done is brilliant! This ending verse describes my frustration and plea for not only the one who abused me but the abusers of this world. They are destroying us! They take away something that can be given back. Yes we can heal, thank God, but the innocence can never be reestablished on this side of heaven. I realize the one who abused me was probably abused herself, there is no excuse though for her to hurt someone the same way. Sexual abuse is detestable!!!! It destroys, corrupts and brings such heartache to the victim!

Little light come back back and rescue me

Lord shine your light so I can see

The one who came to save me”

In the ending plea of this song it describes my heart cry during the 30 years of depression, suicidal ideation and anxiety I suffered because of the abuse I experienced. I wanted the light, His light back.

Now His light has come back and the crazy thing is it never left. I was just so blinded by the hurt, confusion that I could not feel Him. If you listen to the rest of the album and discover what happens in the end you will see why I am telling my story. Ugly truth and all He called me to tell my story to give the world courage to no longer stay quiet about sexual abuse. No one should have to live in the darkness someone else caused. NEVER! There is freedom so keep listening.

*If you are reading this and have been abused in any way; emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually – seek help! Don’t live in the darkness created for you, then they would win. They do not deserve to win. Find a counselor, pastor or online abuse hotline that can start the path to healing. Focus on the Family has a counseling hotline full of trustworthy, Godly people to talk too (855-771-HELP). But most importantly hold on to hope, hold on to Jesus He fights hard for us.